Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
