sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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