my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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