I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
