my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
