i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
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Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
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You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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