im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
