shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
