my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize