I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
