For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
