i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
