i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
