Do you still have your period?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
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While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
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what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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