So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.