think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
