OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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