so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
