made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
