i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
