Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
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I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
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they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize