we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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