Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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