Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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