she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
