I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
