My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
