respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
