Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
