I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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