You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
