I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
