I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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