New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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