Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
