my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
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she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
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Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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