You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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