He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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