This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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