I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
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my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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