dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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