Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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