Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
