omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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