im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
