My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
