He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
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I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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