Your mouth is God's brothel.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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