Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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