I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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