Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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