i will never coherently bang her
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
