Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
