I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
