Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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