Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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