we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
