she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
