If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
