the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
