God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
