Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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