I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
