Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
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I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
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I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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